The best college application ever

I am complex. So complex, in fact, that people have been known to combust merely thinking about me. Zeus himself couldn't muster up the knowledge to even begin to explain just who I am. People don't mess with me.

I wasn't born; I bore myself. People call Voldemort 'he who shall not be named', yeah right, say hello to 'she who shall not be named'. I spent 224 days on the couch watching Friends re-runs, literally not getting up once. I am the alpha of a pack of wolves. We travel through the snowy plains of Canada devouring entire villages briefly after setting them on fire with our wolf fire breath. I make Chuck Norris pee his pants in fear. Who sunk Atlantis? This girl. People pay me money to look at me. Stare into my eyes for long enough and you'll burst into flames. It rains when I tell it to, the weather doesn't dare mess with me.

I actually painted the Mona Lisa. I walk away from explosions without looking back. Typhoons? No skin off my back. Hurricanes? No big. Tsunamis? Give me a break. Don't even get me started on earthquakes. That stuff is child's play. I could end the world if I wanted to, but this is the only planet with cats. I am the master of Twitter. 6,890 tweets in a day is my record. Not only do I follow people on Twitter, but I follow them in real life too. For a brief amount of time, I was the captain of the S.S. Enterprise. I shoplifted immortality from Satan's trading post.

With one leap I flew into space. With one breath I provided Mars with enough oxygen to sustain as much life as Earth. On my spare time I help manatees in Africa give birth. I invented the guitar in my sleep. I own a house in Norway that contains six hundred and sixty six cats.

Before you rush to send me my acceptance letter, don't forget to include a cheque. People pay me to attend their institutions. $40,000 a year will do. You're welcome for my time, and I'll see you soon.